(Photo by Kevin Bidwell)

Some ideas seem like they’re the greatest thing in the world right up until you act on it. Only then does the truth come out and you think you really should have seen it sooner. In cases where money was spent, it’s often referred to as buyer’s remorse.

As Kevin looked at himself in the mirror, he felt a significant amount of just that, along with trepidation over how he could muster the courage needed to ever go back out in public. Body art was a millennia old pastime for people, whether it was piercings, tattoos, or even scarification. With each new generation and advancements in technology, body art had adapted and changed. Unfortunately, Kevin had to admit that, perhaps, this was a bridge too far.

On his left arm and chest he had several tattoos. Some bore significance to him for moments from his life while others just looked cool. He liked tattoos and thought they added to his overall appearance. They were great, but sometimes he would later change his mind about a tattoo here or there and he’d have to go and get it covered with something else. That wasn’t too bad. No, the real problem was the new tattoo he’d gotten just the other day.

Malleable tattoos, they were called, or smart tattoos. Kevin didn’t understand the technology exactly, and probably should have been his first warning sign against getting tattoo, but he couldn’t help himself when he heard someone had invented a way to design a tattoo that could change shape just by using an app. All it took was a few small injections and before he knew it he was cycling the tattoo through a number of designs.

That was yesterday. Today he was horrified as he watched an advertisement for one of those stupid game apps scroll across his forehead. The tattoo was supposed to be on his right shoulder but it had climbed up his body during the night and situated itself right there above his eyes for all to see.

“Come on, work,” Kevin muttered as he fussed with the app on his phone.

The design he’d settled on yesterday was still selected, as well as his right shoulder for the placement.

He tried changing the design.

Tattoo Changes Pending

He stared at the message that popped up. Did that mean it was calibrating and would reset itself soon? After several minutes he decided it was broken and went in search of the customer service number. He punched it into his phone as fast as he could. He had to be to work in an hour and he was NOT going to go there looking like this.

“Hello,” a cheerful voice said after a couple of rings. “Thank you for calling Malleable Tattoos. How may I help you?”

“Yeah, my tattoo isn’t responding,” Kevin said. “It was working fine yesterday but I woke up this morning with an ad on my face instead of a tattoo on my shoulder.”

“Certainly,” the customer service rep replied in a way that made Kevin want to punch someone. “What plan did you sign up for?”

Kevin hesitated.

“Plan?”

“Of course. There are multiple plans available for our clients. Prior to getting your tattoo you signed up for a plan, correct?”

“Um, no. I just walked in, said I wanted the tattoo and they gave it to me. I already paid $1150 for it.”

“Oh dear.”

That was not the response he wanted.

“What do you mean?” he demanded as the ad changed into one for a dating site.

It was not a classy ad.

“There have been a number of disreputable establishments that have recently been giving people a Malleable Tattoo without disclosing the full details.”

“Which are?” he prompted when they didn’t continue fast enough with their explanation.

“Malleable Tattoos and their perks are a managed through a subscription which can be paid for on a monthly or annual basis. Depending on the subscription tier, our clients enjoy varying tattoo designs, body locations, and of course, ad free mode for our top tier subscribers. Without an active subscription, Malleable Tattoos are only active to twelve hours at which point they switch into ad mode.”

“So how do I get this ad off my face?”

“I’m happy to sign you up right away and activate your account. All I’ll need is some basic information from you and payment.”

“I’m not paying you to get an ad off of me,” he was getting mad now.

“I’m sorry, sir, but that’s all that can be done.”

“Can’t you just turn the whole thing off?”

“Malleable Tattoos are powered by your own body and don’t have an on or off switch. Although, in the Premium tier there is an incognito mode where you can have the tattoo become faint, or disguise itself to look more natural, like a birthmark.”

“I’m not signing up for a subscription!”

“Please sir, I’m only doing my job. If you feel your tattoo artist misrepresented Malleable Tattoos then I would recommend that you contact them about the matter.”

“And can he turn it off?”

“Again, sir, Malleable Tattoos, like any other tattoo, can’t be turned off. The process of removing it is the same as any other tattoo.”

“So you’re saying I’m stuck with this ad on my face?”

“No, of course not. Like I said before, I can get you signed up for–

“Shut up about the subscriptions, please, and just help me get this off my face. I need to get to work and I can’t have this going on.”

He waved his hand in front of his face even though he knew the customer rep couldn’t see him.

“Sir, the only tools I have on my end are the subscriptions.”

There was a faint note of regret and sympathy in their voice this time but it only lessened Kevin’s anger slightly.

“Fine,” he growled. “Tell me what my options are.”

“Certainly. There are three tiers, Basic, Premium, and Ultimate. At Basic, you get to choose twelve, fifteen minute blocks of time when your tattoo will display ads on your face, between the hours of 9AM and 7PM. The rest of the time your tattoo will appear as you’ve selected and in the location of your choice. Premium expands your tattoo design choices and unlocks more colors as well. You’ll still need to select twelve, fifteen minute blocks for ads to be displayed, but you have expanded hours from which to choose, from 7AM to 9PM. Finally, our Ultimate tier unlocks our full range of designs and colors, including holographic and metallics. There are also no ads at this tier.”

“And how much do these cost?”

“Our Basic tier is $10 a month, or $110 for the year if you sign up for an annual subscription. Premium is $50 a month, or $550 for a yearly subscription. And Ultimate, our most popular tier, is $300 a month, or $3300 for a year.”

Kevin felt his jaw drop and then caught his reflection in the mirror. The ad for a weight loss pill did not improve his image. He swore under his breath but began pulling out his wallet all the same.

“Ultimate then,” he said.

He couldn’t afford to have a stupid ad on his face during work. He’d lose his job for sure over it

“Excellent,” the cheery tone in the service rep’s voice was back and Kevin had to bite back the string of insults he wanted to shout.

But it wasn’t their fault. Don’t kill the messenger and all that. The person who was going to hear that diatribe was going to be Jan down at the tattoo parlor. Kevin might even get a lawyer involved if needed. He’d never used one before, but he was pretty sure he had a case here.

A few minutes after the phone call ended, Kevin was relieved to see the tattoo sliding off his face and back down to his shoulder. He had it set back to the original design he’d picked out but it had lost all the appeal to him. Now, it was like a reminder of the monthly extortion money he was going to have to pay until he could get this thing removed or somehow get Jan to pay his subscription fees for the foreseeable future. Knowing Jan, that would be an ugly and drawn out fight, but one Kevin might just be willing to put up with.

He sighed as he finished getting dressed and checked himself one last time in the mirror.

“Happy Monday,” he said and didn’t mean it.